It’s funny how we how one step forward can lead to so many others. I’ve learned this time and again and yet I manage to forget it the moment I stop moving. I think that’s the key to everything in life, to just keep moving regardless of what’s happening, how bad things are or when you don’t know where all of this is going. This job was the first step and it’s slowly leading to others even if there isn’t anything conclusive or permanent yet. I should’ve had plans post-graduation but I didn’t and sunk right back into that hole I was in 6 years ago. I had an amazing final year at school but I failed to remember that life can’t stop with that. Tomorrow is the last day at this job but I don’t want a repeat of the last five months. A few things have come up for me to keep moving such as editing a paper, an invitation to a cookout with my coworkers, and coming into possession of a classical guitar. Nothing major really but I know that I need to embrace whatever I can get and do anything I possibly can to stay busy. I’m currently working on drawing again and learning new things so let’s hope I follow through.
Ever get told how horrible a person you are? How stupid? How worthless? You can try to build yourself up all you want but when your own flesh and blood tell you these things blatantly and through every action and grimace they make, it’s hard to stand strong in the face of that. It doesn’t cut the same way it used to but that may be just because I’ve managed to keep myself at bay from ruminating over any type of negative feelings for quite some time. Yet, even without the emotional turmoil I had allowed myself to wallow in for most of my life, I still can’t seem to move forward even in the absence of those things. I wondered for some time whether I had truly left those negative feelings behind and moved on from it but the fact that I’m at a standstill again shows that all of those things still affect me whether I have an immediate reaction or not.
There are many resilient people out there who push forward and thrive in the face of adversity or simply are courageous enough to keep moving in spite of it. You shoot them down, they’re revved up to prove you wrong. I’m not like that at all. I don’t work well in the face of any type of judgment, good or bad. It’s difficult for me to deal with conclusive statements because I feel pressured either way. Pressured to the point that where I literally can’t do anything.
“Great work” Sh*t, what if I don’t measure up next time? Avoid, Delay, Neglect.
“You’re an idiot, what’s wrong with you?” I don’t know, let me curl up in a corner and settle into a catatonic state and get back to you on that.
Explaining what I need to deaf ears won’t move me. I know that. I should’ve learned that after all these years and yet I seem to think it will be possible one day. But I can’t keep moving if I allow the pace of my life to be dependent on the behavior of others. I know I need to suck it up and rise above the harsh opinions of those closest to me. It won’t change my life and doing nothing only serves to encourage them.
Ironically, they think by doing nothing, it means I don’t care but the problem is that I care too much.
With the second sketchbook and the break from drawing after the semester ended, I’m a lot shakier with my pen sketches. I’m still trying to just go with the flow. As you can see, the finger nails on the hands are totally off from each other but you know, it’s okay. I’m learning to accept that it’s impossible to keep drawing if I get stuck on all the mistakes. I do love cross hatching though. The mistakes while doing that just add to the drawing rather than take away from it.
The paper in my sketchbook is rather thin and scanning causes the next sketch to appear sort of as a backdrop for the first sketch. This happened a lot with the other sketches I scanned so it will probably continue that way until I fill up this new sketchbook to be replaced by a better quality one. I tried to blur out the background with photo editing but this changes the drawings a bit from the original. For some, the background works in a way, which is why I kept it for this one. Also, there’s an unfortunate oil stain from a container of basil pasta that I failed to properly close in my bag so almost of the pages in my sketchbook has this. I don’t believe in wasting though so I’ll just keep filling it up until the next one. In a way, this works since I feel more pressure to have good outcome when I use better quality stuff.
I think creativity flourishes better when you have nothing to lose.